Every waking moment in my life has a soundtrack. Currently, Miles Davis' paramount work Kind of Blue runs marathons through both the computer and iPOD. I say "waking moment" because most of my life I've been asleep, watching some very well cast actor play my roles in a half-assed way...she just can't quite capture me.
This trip has opened up a lot of space in my head and my heart. There has been nor will be no better time to unearth my true and full self. Logic has long been my best friend, and it made perfect sense that now is the time to go into deep reflection and analysis. So, with the help of my cousin, Melissa, who I call Missy, I found a therapist here in Dallas that knows exactly how to track down a person's true self and unburden it. I also found a temporary home that is nurturing and supportive.
What this means is that I've been spending 12-16 hours each week telling my life's story, identifying bits of me that I've put away, giving them a name, a color, a feeling or sensation, and a location either inside or outside of me. Sometimes these parts are based on trauma that overwhelmed me so I sealed away either a good part of myself to preserve for safer times, or buried some or all of the pain that I felt.
This does not serve me any longer.
In the past two weeks, I have slept but not rested, and sometimes neither. In the last week and a half, I cannot eat without extreme nausea. After three and a half years together, Colleen and I have decided to officially end our relationship. I'm surrounded by friends and family here in Dallas, Poteau, and San Antonio, so I intend to stay until after the holidays.
I'm trying to rebuild by body after not being able to eat for over a week. I feel physically weak and haven't been able to run except for one time this week. I miss it. Running grounds me and makes me feel strong and steady. Max misses our VERY slow runs too. My boy is a great dog, but he only has two speeds----ON and OFF.
Tomorrow brings a new day, new air, new time, a new run, and, hopefully, new eyes.
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