The Collapse of Logic

It's been asked to the point of becoming an old cliche:  Why do bad things happen to good people?  This question begs logic to fill the chasm between the two concepts of "bad things" and "good people."  Maybe the answer lies somewhere in "good" and "bad" being words that serve us less and less as a people.  These modifiers limit our understanding of this world.  This is not to suggest that we should run out and knock over a convenience store, rather that when a convenience store is robbed, there may be a lessen for those of us who take notice.

We are so absorbed in our own lives that we frequently fail to hear God speaking to us.  We crave guidance, but distract ourselves away when easy lessons come.  So, God speaks louder until we understand.  Human emotion and response to these times provide the perfect warning flag that God is speaking, and we should turn inward in order to hear.  Our feel-good culture preaches distraction to ease the pain.  When we turn to food, entertainment, drugs, or perhaps Medieval Times (I'm still in Dallas), we split ourselves in two as one self stays with the pain and the other self becomes engrossed in the twinkle of our chosen pacifiers.

Yes...I love delicious food and I have many, many, many times used it as an escape.  Yes...I drink adult beverages.  Yes...I watch stupid-as-they-come movies when I'm blue.  Yes...I'm guilty of seeking distraction to deal with pain and sorrow.  And--I believe in the lessons that come from hard times.  I believe God speaks to us.  We need to be ready to hear.

When logic is gone, only our hearts can comprehend.  In that, there is awe because we are not incapacitated when things go wrong.

Way To Me

There are so many things for which I am thankful.  Most recently, I'm thankful I have this time in my life to stop, listen, reflect, and grow.  My journey over the last several weeks has taken a change from an external course to a (mostly) internal course.

I am thankful my imagination is so malleable because it has been stretched and reshaped into a device of healing.  I have visited and named the pieces of myself that are the key to unlocking my purpose in this life:  the creator, the peacemaker, the healer, the diffuser, and the stage presence...to name a few.  These are referred to as "my naturals," as in my natural gifts.  These pieces of self are my true essence--my identity.  I'm not learning these things for the first time, rather, I'm remembering who I am.  I'm finding my way back to me.

The mystery of the direction of time ("time's arrow") refers to the mathematical impossibility of the human ability to remember the past, but not the future, and change the future, but not the past.  A smile draws itself across my face as I remember who I was, and, simultaneously, who I will be.

My thanks extends to my family and friends who have stood with me on this adventure.  Internal adventures are much harder for others to understand.  I'm fortunate to have a family that is willing to support me, even when they don't understand.  That is love.

Blue in Green

Every waking moment in my life has a soundtrack.  Currently, Miles Davis' paramount work Kind of Blue runs marathons through both the computer and iPOD.  I say "waking moment" because most of my life I've been asleep, watching some very well cast actor play my roles in a half-assed way...she just can't quite capture me.

This trip has opened up a lot of space in my head and my heart.  There has been nor will be no better time to unearth my true and full self.  Logic has long been my best friend, and it made perfect sense that now is the time to go into deep reflection and analysis.  So, with the help of my cousin, Melissa, who I call Missy, I found a therapist here in Dallas that knows exactly how to track down a person's true self and unburden it.  I also found a temporary home that is nurturing and supportive.

What this means is that I've been spending 12-16 hours each week telling my life's story, identifying bits of me that I've put away, giving them a name, a color, a feeling or sensation, and a location either inside or outside of me.  Sometimes these parts are based on trauma that overwhelmed me so I sealed away either a good part of myself to preserve for safer times, or buried some or all of the pain that I felt.

This does not serve me any longer.

In the past two weeks, I have slept but not rested, and sometimes neither.  In the last week and a half, I cannot eat without extreme nausea.  After three and a half years together, Colleen and I have decided to officially end our relationship.  I'm surrounded by friends and family here in Dallas, Poteau, and San Antonio, so I intend to stay until after the holidays.

I'm trying to rebuild by body after not being able to eat for over a week.  I feel physically weak and haven't been able to run except for one time this week.  I miss it.  Running grounds me and makes me feel strong and steady.  Max misses our VERY slow runs too.  My boy is a great dog, but he only has two speeds----ON and OFF.

Tomorrow brings a new day, new air, new time, a new run, and, hopefully, new eyes.

Technology Failure

Hey gang!
So sorry it's been so long...every piece of technology I own and have with me broke at the same time...so now I have a new computer, a new cellphone, and a new wireless card.  I will be posting more soon because.....there is a lot to say.

Cheers until then!

North Central Expressway

Friday night I had plans to join my friend, Andrea, to hear her friend's band play at the Lakewood Bar and Grill in Dallas.  I had unloaded, vacuumed, and washed the car until it was finally dark blue with tan interior once again. 

I headed south from my cousin's house and glided down the freeway.  It was sundown.  The tangerine sky silhouetted the skyline as it hurried passed me.  I love driving in Dallas.  It is such a provocative city with a million different offerings as varied as trailer-truck pulls, to world-class art exhibitions, to some of the best food in the country. 

It was good to see Andrea.  She is so kind and low-maintenance.  We can pick up where we left off without feeling bad that we were living our lives in the meantime.  It didn't take long to remember how good it felt to be with my friend.  Through college I had a couple of friends who I could always turn to while I was sorting out my life, my first couple of relationships, and probably my wardrobe.  Andrea was one of them, and I'm glad she's still in my life.

Tonight...something uber-exciting....will post more later...